Chain Gang - Part Deux

"Death by asphyxiation and the birth of Jedwood'

"So are you trying to look ridiculous, on purpose, now?", said Vicki as she scrutinised me from the kitchen while sipping from a glass of chilled 'Oyster Bay'.
"To what are you referring?", I replied, as I stood in my normal position; posed in front of the full-length hall mirror.
"That thing on your head!", she said.
I had already decided that the red, under-helmet skull cap was more 'Max Wall' than I had anticipated when ordering it.  I playfully experimented by adding my Oakley 'Racing jacket' shades (more about these later)
 to the look - now definitely more bog snorkeller than cyclist.  I had already worked out for myself that there is nothing 'cool' about this item, whatsoever and had been perfecting a method of removing it at the same time as the helmet; thus avoiding anybody seeing it.  This involved inserting both thumbs under the cover and the helmet, and swiftly pushing upwards (I had tried the reverse action to put helmet and cover on together by turning the helmet over, lining it with the cover and then, with thumbs holding both items, slam down on head as quick as possible - this I decided could lead to mild concussion so have abandoned the idea.)

Vicki has never been keen on cycling apparel - to say the very least, and has decided that everyone, especially me, looks a complete wally in Lycra - unless they are a professional cyclist and wear it for a living. The first time I donned a pair of sub-entry level, Lycra shorts and tried to leave the house, I was caught in the act by Vicki who said :"And where do you think you are going dressed like that?", "I thought I might try cycling to Pevensey Bay and back" was my meek reply. "You really ought to put another pair of shorts over those ones". To avoid any argument I duly obliged.  This is quite 'rich' considering that during my five years with The Longman Morris Dancers ( I retired following an Achilles injury, but I don't like to brag about this.) she had regularly seen me 'jingling' my way down the front path wearing buckled breeches, baldrics, silk top hat, bells and an earing in the shape of 'The Longman'.  When I quizzed her about this she said that Lycra was a much worse look.  This surprised me , because, athough as a Morris dancer I readily accepted that, hierarchically, I was a peg, or two, below 'Village Idiot', as a MAMIL, although not high in status, I did believe I had moved slightly up 'the ladder'.

Whilst continuing my pre-chain gang preening session I gave some consideration to other apparel and accessories that ( in my opinion) constitue a feux pas, or should simply be avoided at all costs. Several items can be grouped together under the heading:

S & M Derivatives

(Incidentally, at my age I am much more interested in M&Ms than S&M.)

HRMs

Or, as older cyclists refer to them - 'moob holders'.
Useful piece of equipment you might say! - I quite agree, but the very action of putting them on puts me in mind of a front loading bra - slide to the side, attach clip and swing to the front. I am surprised that Garmin, or Polar, haven't 'cottoned-on' to the S&M potential and introduced a 'peep-hole' version, or a strap-free, 'clamp on' version (with adjustable torque settings.)

'Hip-Lock' Cycle Security Device

Basically a massive chain and pad-lock, worn on the hips - pure dungeon!

Arm and Leg warmers.

No problem, providing flesh is prevented from showing between arm warmer and jersey or leg warmer and shorts.  On a commute along Sluice Road, a couple of months ago, I felt a cold chill on my limbs and looked down to find I had a 'full house' of large gaps between both arm and both leg warmers!.  Oh, the embarrassment!.  I considered my options: steer myself directly into the path of the next on-coming vehicle or dive under the next Hawthorn bush! ( I settled for a dismount and discreet adjustment.)

Neoprene Bootees

Do I really need to say anything? (other than that I own a pair.)

String Vests (base layer)

Looks good with a Freddie Mercury type mustache.

Leggings

All lengths - with, or without built-in cod-piece, and including bib type.

 If anyone has any doubts about the S&M link I challenge them to stand, bare-chested (female cyclists may not wish to partake in this), in front of a mirror wearing all the above items (choose between shorts and leg warmers, or leggings), also, try adding full-face balaclava!

Oakley Racing Jacket Sunglasses.

Oakley, as I'm sure everyone would agree, are the coolest company on the planet, making the coolest products - even their new headquarters in Orange County, California makes The Bilbao Guggenheim look pedestrian!.  So how did 'Racing Jacket' sunglasses get past the style gurus at Oakley? There is no doubt in my mind that if the Oakley had been founded in the days of 'The Emperor's New Clothes' the eponymous emperor would have paraded past two 'high-fiveing' salesman, totally naked aside from a pair of gold-plated 'Racing Jacket' shades. Don't get me wrong I have a pair and love them like a son.  It's just that everyone looks such a 'knob' in them.  Matt Schubert once said to me, over coffee: " I bought a fake pair of those (nodding at mine), off ebay, exactly the same as yours- only £12!.  I tried them on and thought "I look a right bell-end" - couldn't even give them away!". Mine are the real thing - I wish to add.

I bought mine at Gatwick Airport on the way to Majorca.  Vicki turned her back for a minute; whilst checking out the designer shades in the duty free, and I seized the opportunity to try a pair on.  I asked what she thought and her reply (unsurprisingly) was: "You look like a pillock, but I suppose they're good for cycling in?". "Essential eye wear if one is serious about safety" , I replied.  I parted with some major 'wedge' (duty free prices - my a*se!) and left the shop.

Having a bit of time to 'kill', I wandered into WHS to pick up a cycling magazine for the flight.  This was when my life started to have real meaning - on the cover of Cycling Weekly was Chris Froome wearing the same white, shades, as me!!.  I slung some money at the sales assistant and rushed off to find Vicki to tell her my great news.  "Now take deep breaths and try to tell me clearly why you are so excited".  " Chris Froome is... i n...o u t...wearing...i n.. o u t... the same shades...i n...o u t...more slowly... as me!!".  Don't you mean you are wearing the same glasses as Chris Froome, she corrected". "Be honest, did you see the magazine and then buy the glasses?", "No,no,no, I protested!".. It was futile; she would never believe me - and still doesn't, that I bought bought those glasses first! (incidentally, he also a looks a complete twat)".

The best thing about my Oakleys is that a large toy box and an emergency 'swipe is included (Oakley insist on calling them a hard and soft carry case.)  The toy box is very educational, because when you consider that there are 3 pairs of inter-changeable lenses, which have 4 'corners' and a back and front; there are more combinations than a rubick's cube!.  I have yet to successfully change my lenses first time.

Dressing the Same as Your Mate.

For heavens sake, get a grip!.  Thin end of the wedge if you ask me.  What is this likely to lead to?; pre-arranged trips to Primark to buy matching 'Onesies'?; sharing a crab starter at the next HSLCC social?

If you wonder where the cynicism comes from , let me explain....

From shortly after birth, until long after puberty, my mother insisted on dressing me and my, slightly older brother Graham, in the same outfits.  This consisted of grey shorts  (in a kind of serge material), grey socks, white shirt and a hand-knitted, mustard coloured jumper with a white hoop across the chest. On 'posh' days out i.e to our nans, or to the doctors, the jumper could be swapped for our school blazer.

Good To See Nigel T Back On The Chain !

I don't know what kind of material these jumpers were created from - definitely not wool,any other natural or man made material.  I truly believe my mother had woven them from a substance that had not yet found it's way onto the Periodic Table.  The reason I am saying this is because, just in ordinary movement, with arms swinging by the side of the body, they generated astonishing amounts of static electricity!.  So great was the static that if we hadn't taken preventative action we would have effectively been straight-jacketed - with our arms stuck to our bodies.. To circumvent this my brother and I realised that, as the day wore on, we had to keep our arms away from our bodies.  Up until lunchtime an angle of 20 degrees was sufficient - although the problem was that when holding your arms away from your body the tendency is to flair the wrists.  This creates a very 'camp' effect.  To counter this we decided we had to take large strides - small steps with arms at 20 degres just exacerbated the problem.  We had no choice but to 'Cleese Step' our way around the playground.  Mid-afternoon we were at 45 degrees; not so camp, more the look of someone who has just stepped out of the shower, and is feeling really chilled, or someone who is a bit 'muscle bound' - not likely in our case!.  Tea-time and we were now full-blown crucifixes - this required that we moved sideways through door ways and ate from a trough!.  If you're wondering why our parents didn't intervene, I think it was because they assumed we just liked to play at being 'fighter pilots'.  If you think this is bad - bed time was much, much worse.  The problem was that we were growing, but the mustard jumpers weren't growing at the same rate - it dawned on me that we were slowly being asphyxiated!  The main objective was to remove the items without slicing off our ears.  As the article slipped over our mouths it removed the saliva so effectively from our top teeth that our top lips stuck to them and we grinned like Chipmonks. After much tugging they would eventually 'twang' off over our head.  The result of this additional burst of static was that it would leave our hair sticking up - similar to the effect achieved in the class room when placing your hand on a van der graaph generator!  The sad thing is that my mother was blissfully unaware of the the money making opportunity she had failed to capitilise on: lying in the next room to them were the fore-runner of 'Jedwood'!

Oh, dear! - I seem to have been tangent-ed myself away from last night's Chain Gang.  Only have enough time now to confirm the result:

1st Place - The Super-Fasts - 10 points
2nd Place - The Wannabees - 5 points
Last Place - The Chuggers - nil point.

Better luck next week Chuggers!

Constructers Championship

1st Place - Giant
2nd Place - Giant
3rd Place - Giant

Peter Buss