'La Criterium du Bexhill-Sur-Mer' - Part Deux

Kevin 'bionic knees' is back!

 I had been caught 'with my pants down' (so to speak) at the start, and not being able to stay on the early pace, I was was much relieved to team up with Steve C and Kevin for lap 2 onward.  We had a thoroughly enjoyable time and it was good to see Kevin 'back in the saddle'.  Not too much to report other than, when on the second lap, we were mystified to hear the sound of someone cycling towards us whilst singing: "All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small......". "Look," said Kev, "it's Reverend Feathers!".  (He was attacking the route in a clockwise direction.) "Evening Rev, you're going the wrong way!". "Oh, dear me!, bless you my son", he replied. We all paused momentarily to look back, but only to see him continuing in the same direction as before!. "All things wise and wonderful, the lord ......". We watched that enigmatic cycling style in amazement.  Left hand on knee to assist downward thrust, push down hard, move forward 20 metres, switch hands and repeat, move another 20 meters.  "Why doesn't he try lower gearing?", said Steve; "He's ploughing a furrow in the tarmac with that massive chain ring - I can see where my council tax is going now!"

Stewart dribbling all over his new pride and Joy!

Back at the traffic lights, we were surprised to find the only person there was Stewart.  He was laying atop his new 'super bike' in the classic 1970s Burt Reynolds pose: One leg stretched out, the other bent at the knee and at a 45 degree angle to the first; his elbow was resting on the handle bars and his palm was supporting his head. "The super-fasts have offered their apologies, but they had a pressing engagement with their masseurs back at the team bus - lucky devils, eh?. What do you think of the 'old girl; isn't she a beaut?. haven't 'opened her up' yet, but I reckon she'll go like stink!"  We didn't like to mention the 'elephant in the room', but Stuart did answer our obvious question by saying: "This is the pose those nice chaps at 'The Ball-Cock' magazine asked me to make when choosing me to feature as 'January' in their 2015 Hunky Plumbers calender.  Although I was wearing a lot Iess than I am now, I tell you!.  At this point Stewart started giggling, hysterically. "What's so funny Stewart" I asked him..  He said "I think I've just worked out who June's 'Brian from  East Sussex' is; it's a job to tell tough, because he's wearing a 'Lone Ranger ' mask, but I fear it may be another member of the club!".
                                   
At this point I feel I must say something about Stewart's new bike.  When I met him at Cooden Beach Station tonight I refused to even look at it!, and whenever he tried to say something I just rammed my fingers in my ears: "I not listening, la,la,la,la".  It really is a 'vomit inducing, dream machine'.  I really hate him for making me so jealous.  Several times during the evening I tried to make myself feel better by attempting to smear a bogey over it, but he was far too quick (or so he thinks; just wait until he tries to put some air in those tyres!)

Stewart shows off his 'stealth fighter'

                                                     
Just then other bods started appearing.  Firstly, Simon and Neil arrived - I could tell straight away, by the steam coming from their helmets (possibly could have phrased this a bit better) - that they had been having some kind of massive 'man-off'. 'We did an extra lap!", they said.  Next, more 'bods' started appearing and the whole situation quickly developed into a farce of 'one upmanship' and exaggeration. "We did an extra two laps!" - someone cried (might have been me?).

By now there was quite a crowd gathering on the pavement, fascinated by the 'hunk on the bike'.  Simon has always impressed me with his natural leadership skills,and his willingness to 'step up to the plate', and he didn't disappoint tonight.  "Back in a mo", he said.  He then crossed over the road and entered the telephone box; returning less than a minute later.  The transformation was astonishing.  He was wearing a black t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan: 'To Cycle : To Serve : To Protect'. He immediately took control of the crowded pavement "Move along you 'orrible lot, ain't you got no homes to go to".  While the crowd, guided by Simon's gentle persuading, were slowly dispersing I couldn't help but notice the flat cap he was now wearing - It sent shivers down my spine - I've seen 'Peaky Blinders'!.

Those who have read Neil's latest 'masterpiece', may have been highly amused by his story of what happened after the Criterium, and the incident at Normans Bay etc., but also,badly mislead.  Here's is the real 'take' on what happened that night.  "Ready for the off then Neil?", I said. He looked at me rather sheepishly and said: "Not tonight darling, I thought  I might take a stroll over to the Supers' team bus; see if can help out at all - they really are such 'sweeties', to be honest they are just like us really.  Did you know they even gave me one of their team shirts?"  He pulled it forward from the bottom and gazed lovingly at it. "Well to be totally honest Barney told me to wash it for him, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind me keeping it for a while; I simply can't bear to give it back yet!. It's such a lovely colour and I can't believe how beastly Stewart was to me when he said I look like a lollipop lady! Can you believe how kind they are being to me?.  They haven't promised me that I can ride with them yet, but have said that if I take their laundry home for the next few weeks, they will show me how to use the 'jet wash" .

The author refuels for his solo return trip!

I cycled back to Normans Bay alone and feeling an over-whelming sense of sorrow.  What's happened to him, why can't he see that in their eyes he just doesn't 'cut the mustard'?, he's a great cyclist, much better than me, but he might have to face up to never realising his dream of riding 'up front' with the 'Supers'.  I now know, above all else, that I must be there for him and to give as much support and comfort as I possibly can to help him through this difficult period.


Authors Note:

To all those possible offendees:
I hope at some stage, and I know it may take time, you will be able to forgive me for this, but feel free to let down my tyres.  If however, you wish to 'thump' me please allow me to remove my very expensive 'Racing Jacket' shades first.)

Peter Buss