"I'd give a minute if I were you, I've been doing some serious 'thinking' in there, son"
I emerged, much relieved, from the cubicle at Chilley Farm toilets to find young Fabian outside with a concerned look on his face.
"Oh, no, It's o.k, I don't need to 'go' it's just that there's a really aggressive goose outside, and I'm a bit worried."
I'd heard some shuffling going on outside the cubicle and just assumed someone was brave enough to enter 'the trap' after me.
"Don't worry, we'll soon show it who's 'boss'.
We left the safety of the toilet block to be confronted by Goebbels the psychopathic gander, who made a move immediately he saw us. He was accompanied by two geese who seemed to be impressed by his behavior. He dived at us with his long neck rocking backwards and forwards, wings flapping and squawking like a banshee. He seemed very intent on inflicting some damage and so I presented the sole of my cycling shoe to it, unfortunately sight of my cleat didn't seem to 'phase' him too much.
"Quick, let's 'leg it'!"
So accompanied by much laughter from the other BBRers and with Goebbels in 'hot' pursuit we made our way back to the table.
'BBR - Two Week's Ago'
"Standing Room Only at De Paulos"
Neil had very kindly stayed behind with me to help fix my second puncture of the morning (having sung the praises of Schwalbe Ones, 'a shadow of doubt' has now entered my mind.)
I swung into the courtyard of Chilley Farm and immediately spotted my old adversary, Goebbels, who was trying to peck two older ladies - they seemed to find it amusing. Neil had spotted this and decided that: 'discretion being the better part of valour', he would cycle in through the other entrance.
We ordered our coffee and food and sat down with the others and joined in with the endless, inane, but enjoyable banter that always accompanies these type of rides.
After about ten minutes two of the newbies arrived and one of them said, quite cheerily:
"Been here long?"
"Only about two days", said Peter B.
Which I thought was quite unkind, but nonetheless quite funny. I decided to join in.
"Peter (who sports designer stubble/beard) was clean shaven when we got here!", I said
After about another five minutes Col C 'J' Parker 'rocked up' with the rest of the newbies. He 'hopped' off his bike and sat down at another table with them and gave advice on the importance of fueling a ride with bacon or, at the very least, cakes.
"I'm just off for a 'tinkle' - I informed Peter B of my intention.
As I left the toilet block I spotted Goebbels, who was sitting with his 'crew', neck fully contracted and with a 'butter wouldn't melt' type look. He surveyed me with one eye.
"Doing anything special this Christmas? - tosser!"
'De Paulo's earlier.........'
The notable thing about the BBR this week was the massive turnout! At De Paulos they just kept coming - in all we had about 20 - including lots of newbies; in fact in the end I couldn't keep track of it all. Fortunately, Col C 'J' Parker was in his element; when leadership is required he is definitely 'the man'. He organised us all into several groups and off we set. It was a very sociable and enjoyable morning and great to see so many new faces. It is amazing how the BBR has developed over the two and a half years that I have been taking part.
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| Life Is Great At De Paulos! |
The other big change has been the addition of the Pre BBR, which has been a major success. It gives a lot people the opportunity to take part in an early, sociable ride of 25/30 miles and to get back to De Paulos by 09:30 ish. Just lately it seems to have developed into a much speedier event than the BBR - probably because we are fresher and the distance is not too great.
'BBR - This week'
'Pre BBR'
"You take the left buttock and I'll take the right, it's wide enough and It's the only way we can keep up with him!", I shouted at 'the other' Peter B.
"Was that totally necessary, you heartless b@stard?", I asked Stewart.
"I just thought I would give you old codgers a bit of a work out", he replied
We had averaged about 19 mph for the whole 'Pre BBR' - including 'Beachy'; so no wonder Peter B looked like a ghost!. We are, after all, 'gentlemen of a certain age' and so were quite rightly pleased with our performance.
'BBR'
Quite a good turn-out for the BBR, including a couple of the recent newbies, and with a much needed caffeine injection we set of again in two groups, with the colonel looking after the second group.
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| Satan's Arse Crack! |
The rest of the group were good enough to wait for me, although the nickname of 'Pete the Puncture' - which I thought I had 'shaken off' - will no doubt stick around again, for a while.
We settled down with our coffees and butties and awaited the arrival of the other group. After some time Chris and two of the others arrived and Chris explained that one of the newbies (Anna) had to be collected after breaking her sacrificial hanger. I explained, not really that helpfully, that I had a 'universal' spare one in my tool bottle. This 'sparked' a conversation about 'universal' spares and if they have any merit. I'll probably only find out whether my hanger was a 'fiver' well spent when I'm, no doubt, in the middle of nowhere, on my own and with a flat phone battery!
'The Eastbourne Sportive - Sunday 14th June'
"Mo Farah's done nothing wrong and neither have I"
"So what option are you going to choose then?', said Vicki
"Well I think Neil would be happy for me to make a sizable donation to his favourite charity: 'The Apostrophe Protection Society,' but Stewart definitely wants blood!', I replied.
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| The Sportive Before! |
"I think I've got no choice but to cut my balls off with a rusty razor blade!"
"Well I think there's an old Stanley Knife in the garage, but hurry up, dinner's nearly ready"
"I'm not sure I'll want any dinner after this, I might just have a sandwich"
"Oh, O.K then"
I would just like to clear up the situation regarding what happened on the Eastbourne Sportive Ride and try to salvage what's left of my reputation.
The first time I realised something was amiss was when I got a wry smile from John V who was climbing Bo Peep as I was descending. 'How did that happen - he was in front of me?', I thought to myself, 'Perhaps he's taken a wrong turn, and got a bit behind'. Shortly afterwards I saw Neil and Stewart, also on the way up. The look from Stewart said it all: 'cheating b@stard!'.
I carried on regardless, trying to work out what had happened. Just before Seaford I felt a rush of wind as Nigel and a few of the other 'club legends' sped past me. None of them made anything other than friendly comments, so I assumed that just thought I was having a great ride or had set off earlier.
I arrived back at the finish, grabbed a coffee and my goodies bag and settled down among the other club members to bask in the 'afterglow'. I explained to Peter B that I nearly missed the start of the ride because I had some mechanical problems. In fact after the kind bike mechanic from one of the trade stands had finished explaining all that needed overhauling on my bike I felt a bit depressed.
"Would it easier if I just transfer my new Lizard Skin bar tape to another bike and 'bin' the whole lot?"
It's great buying a new bike but the problems is that all the parts wear out at the same time. When I told Peter that my 'big ring' was in a bad way, he immediately collapsed into hysterics - it is quite gratifying to know that a psychotherapist, of many years standing, can also have the same juvenile sense of humour as me.
Stewart and Neil arrive back.
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| The Sportive After! |
"Don't even talk to him, said Neil, he's just not worth it, c'mon lets get a coffee."
It was pointless trying to explain that I had no idea what had happened and how I had got in front of them,
I explained to Nigel what had happened and he was altogether more sympathetic:
"You could just tell them that you took the optimum line on all the corners and shaved a few miles off!", he said.
Brilliant! - h
ow I admire a man who is both intelligent and has the ability to think laterally. I promise not to mock your Aldi gear anymore Nigel.
It wasn't until I got home and studied my uploaded Strava ride, that I realised, in all innocence, that I had overshot the right turn in Herstmonceaux, thereby missing off a sizeable 'chunk' of the ride. Anyone who knows me understands that I am Geolexic - meaning I have absolutely no sense of direction ( I have mentioned this before and also cited Mal B and Steve C as fellow sufferers.) I had fallen behind the leaders in our group while ascending Wartling Hill, but also distanced myself from some of the others, and in was during that short 'window' of being alone that I had gone wrong.
Apart from my faux par, I really enjoyed the ride. The number of hills involved make it challenging, but manageable, and having them at the back end seems to add to the drama - you know what's coming!. I did hear some criticism about the cost and lack of facilities - they did say there was a portaloo, but I never saw it, also some people complained about the supplies running out on the feed station (I took one look at the big bowl of peanuts and shuddered at the hygiene implications! ( I for one don't carry soap in my jersey pocket) - couldn't they at least have portioned some in little plastic cups; similar to how medication is dispensed?)
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| Is This A 'Mobot' Or A PeteBot' ? |
I was very pleased with my gold medal, fully deserved I felt; bearing in mind I wasn't disqualified the organisers obviously aren't too fussed on whether you do the full mileage or not!
Peter Buss
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