Wednesday 'Missing Links' - Part Deux

"France is wasted on the French" - Col C 'J' Parker

"Huff, puff."

"Keep going, don't stop now!"

"Huff, puff."

"Try it a bit slower."

"Huff, puff."

"That's it - keep it just like that - that's really good."

"Huff, puff."

"Try to maintain a steady rhythm - we're nearly at the climax"

"Huff, puff."

"Ahh, that's great - slow down now, that's it, we're done"

"Huff, puff; can I stop now?"

Matt and I have reached the summit of Horsewalk.  Bearing in mind that Matt had 'bagged' 7th overall on Monday he wasn't finding it as tough as me and was giving much needed encouragement.  The thing about Matt is that his form is as up and down as a 'Lady of the Night's' undergarments - and tonight his lacey undies are up to his chin.

We turn the corner towards The Lamb just in time to catch the tail end of the conversation between Neil and Tom - who had arrived 'a couple of seconds' earlier (well it is my blog.)

"He doesn't, ever give me the credit I so richly deserve. He mocks me in that second-rate blog of his. I used to be an Ultra you know?"

"Yes, I know Neil, I've been coming every week."

"Oh, yes, I've ridden with the best of them, and I may well ride with them again next season."

"Is that so?.

"Yes, well, I think I've proven something tonight."

"You most certainly have.  You think you've got problems?; I might have to room with him on this French Trip - I'm not sure I can cope with his puerile sense of humour, let alone his 'legendary' flatulence."

"Yes, well, I'd wear ear plugs or try and 'palm' him off with Mal C if I was you - he seems easy going enough"

Matt and I come into view.

"Well done, chaps!", said Neil.

"Yes, well done", said Tom

We pushed on.

Earlier.....

"So explain it to me again, you ride all through the winter, in atrocious conditions and then when the better weather comes you stop doing the Chain Gang altogether?" asked Vicki

I'm getting ready to leave to meet with Matt, Neil and Tom to start the first of this season's 'Missing Links'.

"It's because we do TTs - you know, Time Trials."

Oh, I see, so will you be doing TTs then?"

"Well I might do a few - just to keep my 'hand in."

"Well you want to be careful at your age!.  Now do you need me to help with your packing; I thought I might make a start while you're out.", asked Vicki.

"Well, if you don't mind - you won't forget to pack my Spider-man jammies, now, will you?."

"As If! - and I won't forget Mr Cuddles either, don't worry"

Vicki and I are off to Aquitaine - SW France, next week, to look for a holiday/dual life home (I've listed 'man cave' as an essential; to accommodate loads of bikes, so hope to see a few familiar faces.)

"I really don't know how we'll cope in France, what with their reputation for rubbish wine and mediocre food?", said Vicki

"Well.perhaps I could pop into Aldi tomorrow and pick up a few bits - you know, emergencies?.  I was going to look for some cycling gear anyway - Nigel, from the club, 'tipped me off' that they had one of their cycling days over the Bank Holiday weekend.  There might still be a few items left if he hasn't 'panic bought' them all - greedy 'so and so'."

"That's not a bad idea, have fun tonight, bye."

"Bye."

Later....

Turning right at The Lamb we race through Hermonceaux and then take the regular BBR route on to the marshes.  I make a good start and then drop off the frantic pace.  Alone and battling a sh*tsome headwind I begin to feel sorry for myself and start muttering: "Oh, b*ll*cks to them, I'm not bothered."  Arriving just before the crossroads that lead to Chilley Farm I'm much cheered by the sight of Neil, who after a 'comfort' break, had peed on his shoes.

"The Chinese say it's lucky, you know?", he said.

Two 'Missing Links'

We set off again at a frantic pace and stayed as a group until Spooky Hill, when again I slipped off the pace. We were 'steaming' so I didn't feel too bad.  Regrouping at the end of Capt. Mainwaring Way we stopped for a moment of self-congratulation before Matt headed home and Neil,Tom and I set off down CMW, again - where I went in for an outrageous bout of 'wheel sucking' to cope with the monstrous head wind - well: 'needs does as needs must' and all that.  Neil had set a blistering pace throughout the ride and really does deserve to be riding with The Ultras.

Having got home I did the obligatory uploading and checking of my Strava stats - as one does, and could see I had done quite well, considering the conditions.  Also, there was a moment of excitement when I saw I was 2nd overall on a segment - It turns out to be one of those 'flukey' things that Strava does every now and then (as the segment doesn't really seem to exist) - still never mind.

If anyone wishes to join us we will be meeting at 07:00 Cooden Beach Station on the Wednesdays when we don't do a TT - so best to check with Neil, myself or Matt first.


Peter Buss

Bloggers note:

I am actually a fan of Aldi and buy quite a lot of stuff there (including some cycling gear (mostly for work I hasten to add)), please don't 'let on' to Nigel though.

1/5 Puncture Pete!

Why is it so damn cold I pondered as I road up barley lane towards the Fairlight Lodge? Its the first of May and yet here I am in vest, fleecy top, roubaix tights, full windproof, fleecy under helmet hat. I stopped short of putting on full length gloves but that was a mistake as my fingers were going numb from the cold. It was also so dark and gloomy even though it was only 7:00pm.

Arriving at the Lodge it was clear that the cold had put others riders off, as there were only five of us, well below our more typical average of 7/8 riders.

Heading out along the sea defences towards the nature reserve Peter told me, 'I am not feeling it tonight', I must admit that as we  pushed on into a cold head wind, I felt the same way. At least it would all be over in about an hours time!

Arriving at the harbour itself, Malc, Dan and Nathan said they were going going to divert along to the edge of the harbour to claim a strava hill climb segment. As the road here looks to me to be as flat as a pancake I wasn't sure what they meant but apparently it involves riding up and down some sort of ramp and shooting across the road junction so you have to have riders guarding the junction to watch out for traffic? All very strange but Malcolm told me later he was successful and now holds the KOM for this segment, LOL

While the boys were engaged in their segment bagging, myself and Pete pressed on at our own steady pace up the long Broad-oak drag. It wasn't until we were about half way up that they caught up with us. Nathan and Dan  shot past us like we were standing still but Malc was feeling tired and decided to stay with us instead. With our mini chain of three riders we were having an easy time of the climb but it wasn't long before Pete picked up a puncture.

This wont take a minute (more like 20) !

By his own admission Pete is the worst cyclist at carrying out puncture repairs in the universe! It didn't help that it was one of those annoying quite slow punctures where it is difficult to feel the air coming out of the tube. Eventually we had to give up trying to find out what caused it, stick  a new tube in and hope for the best! After finally inflating the tyre, Pete managed to jam the chain inside the cassette which took some determined yanking from Malcolm to sort out. Finally we were on our way up to broad-oak , and were glad to be climbing to generate some useful body heat. Dan and Nathan were long gone as I had phoned them up about the puncture and suggested they head for home on their own rather than waiting for us getting cold. 

With thoughts of getting home into the warm, we rapidly descended down Brede hill , this gave me my second fastest descent ever

Pete turned off towards three Oaks, leaving just myself and Malc to continue up Stonestile in the pitch dark. It felt like someone had reversed time and we were back to January!

Its fair to say that myself , Malc and Pete found  the ride tough going but it just shows you how different riders can have totally different experiences as with Nathan's help Dan was having a great evening, bagging himself 10 achievements and  commenting on strava "Great ride. Great great ride, loved it!"

Wednesday Chain Gang - Part Deux

Wednesday Chain Gang - Part Deux

 'They tell me they're an acquired taste'

Harry's Bar, Santa Ponca, Majorca.....

"I suppose we should think about having lunch, darling, this Mojita's going straight to my head!", said Vicki

"Yes, I know what you mean, sweetie", replied Trish

"Care for another, olive?"

"Don't mind if I do, thanks darling - so what 's in the bag?", asked Trish while clamping her teeth on it and  purposefully tugging out the stick, before adding it to the ever-growing stack.

"Oh, Peter asked me to collect a few bibs 'n bobs for him from The Bahia Hotel next door, its where he goes to hire bikes when he's here - there's some kind of cycling outfit based there.  I popped in there while you were still sleeping".

Vicki puts the bag on the table and pulls out the contents.

"What on earth is that 'thing', asked a concerned Trish, it's says 'Ass Saver' on it".

"Oh, I'm not sure really, sweetie, but it doesn't look a very comfortable thing to wear! - I wouldn't shove it down my shorts, that's for sure!".

"Hoot.....hoot.....hoot.....hoot...", Trish collapses into hysterical laughter.

"Hooooooot......hoooooooot.......hooooooooot.....", Vicki joins in.

The laughter eventually subsides.

"Fancy another darling Mojito - or shall I order us a bottle of Cava?", said Trish.

"Well, we should be thinking about eating, but, oh,well, we are on holiday!"

Trish picks up the item for a closer look.

"Are you sure this is the man's version; it doesn't quite look the right shape - if you see what I mean - it has little wings on it?."

"Yes, I see exactly what you mean, sweetie, I just assumed they were unisex, but maybe the guy in the shop thought it was for me, I'll have to take it back and exchange it", said Vicki.

A waiter walks past and Vicki grabs his attention:

"Signor, could we have a bottle of pink Cava and dos glasses?, por favor?"

Trish continues her investigation.

"Yes, it definitely looks more 'front bum!'....hoot....hoot.....hoot....hoot", Trish collapses into hysterical laughter again.

"Oooh - you are awful!......", said Vicki and then throws her head back and joins in:
"hoooooot,.........hoooooot..........hoooooot........."

The waiter returns carrying a tray with the bottle and glasses just as the first of the 'Tour of Majorca' cyclists rush past.

"Oh, look Trish!",

"Ole!.....Ole!.....Ole!," both girls shout, as they excitedly get into the spirit of it.

The waiter leans forward with the tray and speaks softly and conspiratorially: "In the mainland Spain, maybe is true, they say Ole!, Ole!, Ole! at the Bullfight; but here, on this Island, we say: Vamos!, Vamos!, Vamos! - Go!, Go!, Go!."

As he leaves Trish says," Who does he think he is!, trumped up little twerp, really, I've a good mind to....."

"Oh, look, darling, that guy over there seems to be really struggling, lets go over and give him some help; bring the champers!"

They both rush across the road, each loosing a flip-flop in the dash to offer their assistance to the cyclist who was now off his bike and leaning against the wall.

"Oh, you poor thing, you're really suffering, is it the heat, sweetie?", said a concerned Trish.

The young man tugs at his gusset and stretches it away from his groin.

"No,no, it's these shorts, they're the budget option from Aldi, in the U.K, and they're really crucifying me!"

"Oh, dear, said Vicki, have some champers that'll get you through!"

"Well I shouldn't really, but just a sip then", he replied

He takes a few sips and get on his way again.

"Such a nice young man; I didn't even ask his name!", said Vicki

"Yes, really quite charming!", replied Trish


21:00 The Forum Bar, Bexhill.....

".....no,no,It's just that they're not really my kind of people - very competitive, you know?"

"So, it's not that you had problems keeping up with them then?"

I persisted in my interrogation of Neil as to why he was now no longer riding with The Ultras and was 'back in the pack'.

"No,no not, at all, certainly not, no ,never - I tried it, made a good 'fist' of it, gave a really good account of myself, and tonight I just felt it was the right time to get back with The Fasts. Also, you have to factor in the wind tonight; I mean it was really blowing!"

"Yes, that's really unusual for the seafront - almost 'freaky'. So, what's your plan for next season, will you ride with them again?."

"Well, I'll just have to wait and see how I feel at the time - I'm certainly not ruling it out at this stage."

I took off my sunglasses and walked over for a chat with Derek.

Earlier......

One of the joys of the riding with the Chain Gang is meeting up with Stewart and Matt and exchanging some banter on the way to the seafront.  I arrived after Matt, who was sitting astride his bike, looking down, and was using the corner of a credit card to see if the feeling had returned to his manhood.

"Firing all all cylinders, I'm pleased to report!"

"That's great news!", I said.

Just then Stewart came into view, and after quickly getting changed, he came over to join us.  He spotted the card in Matt's hand.

"I see you've got a Wiggle Gold loyalty card, that's very impressive, old chap, but I'm afraid that on this occasion I can 'trump' you."

He then produced a card from his jersey pocket.

"Platinum - enough said?"

Matt moved the zip of his Castelli 'Gabba 2' jacket fully up to the neck, and gave a wry smile. Stewart donned his Kask 'Infinity' helmet and we moved on to join the expanding group gathering on the seafront.

There was real 'buzz' in the air tonight.  It has been a great Chain Gang season and Steve C was correct to point out that we have got through a season without a single injury - bearing in mind the intensity of the riding, at times, I feel this was a great achievement; and one for which we should give ourselves a big, collective 'pat on the back'.

Speaking personally, I have had a 'mixed bag'; I started the season quite strongly, dipped seriously in the middle - and at one time considered becoming a spectator - I now seemed to have 'rallied' again towards the end and am feeling quite strong again.  I still squirm when I consider my 'outburst' of a few moths ago, and Neil has been right to have continually mentioned it, week-in, week-out, ever since.  I would have bought you the Cinzano I had promised you, Simon, but unfortunately you never showed up at The Forum -  still, It'll keep to another time.  One of the highlights/lowpoints for me this season has to be 'Sausagegate' and all the 'rumpus' associated with it; although I am very pleased to report that Steve D and I are all 'lovey-dovey' again now following our 'Pre BBR Brighton' trip - our eyes met over the sausages in the student cafeteria at the Brighton University campus and all was well again (It didn't escape my attention that you put in a strong performance on Wednesday's Chain Gang, Steve - well done!.)

I've left Neil to report on the Chain Gang itself, as he does it in such a professional and 'mature' manner.

Au revoir, a la prochaine!

Peter Buss (and all the staff at Part Deux)
 .

Wednesday Chain Gang – That’s all for now

The Gods smiled on us after all. Having forecast heavy rain between 7pm and 9pm, neatly washing out the chain gang, what rain there was came early. The late afternoon sun and wind dried the road beautifully and apart from the cool and stiff south-westerly breeze, conditions were perfect for the last chain gang of the 2014-15 season.

 I had decided before arriving that I was not going to ride with the Ultras as the wind would batter me more than them. They set off a little ahead of the rest of us, with Steve C telling Simon G that ‘we might catch the Ultras at the lights’ or similar. Simon’s face was a picture - his eyebrows rose and his lip curled as he repeated with disdain ‘the Ultras? Blimey…’ And so the rest of us followed on in a large group, bunched and hunched low into the wind, none of us looking forward to the outward grind.

 We rode pretty well as a group, rotating as best we could between a wide range of abilities. The wind made smooth transitions at the front all the harder but we worked together knowing that losing the group would mean an even harder slog across the marshes. Stewart B was looking rather pleased with himself, his Giant X-Wing Aero 2000 Slice Foil Scalpel Razor GTS thing sucking him through the wind like a Kevlar sail. He’d sent his driver ahead with the weekday run-around (Porsche) should he find the ride too tiring. Us mere mortals were bent double over our bars, pushing hard to maintain a half-decent speed. Stewart was pedalling gently, munching foie gras and sipping champers, occasionally needing to trim his flaps for maximum efficiency. ‘How are you Stewart?’ I called. ‘Grifting nicely, thank you, now be a sport and bugger off’ he replied. ‘Nuf said, I know my place.




 Matt was riding well, now fully recovered from a debilitating and lengthy episode of ‘numb knob’, as reported in Peter B’s blog entry at the weekend. Thank you for sharing that – it’s good to raise awareness of things that chaps find hard to talk about, break down the stigma etc. Help is usually at hand for such problems. I find a mixture of dried chillies and olive oil, applied to the chamois pad in your shorts, ensures a healthy flow of blood to vital organs, although Peter B reports that this has not yet worked for him. I suggest he mix in some crushed Viagra tablets, but this might have unfortunate side effects (do please consult a medical professional before trying this at home). Just occasionally, I too have suffered similar symptoms. Whilst I quite enjoyed the pins and needles as feeling returned, I think this is not something I had to deal with when I had a saddle with a channel along the middle. Worth a look Matt? Peter, mate, I think it is too late for you, sorry.

 These issues aside, we rumbled onwards, fighting hard along Herbrand but then enjoying more of a side wind as we turned over the level crossing and made our winding way over the marsh lanes. Malc was often on the front and often somewhere ahead of us as he rode his antique single speed, training for the TT season perhaps? John S said taking the front was like stabbing your thighs with knives and I know what he means! Coming out of the shelter of the group was a bit of a shock for most of us, slowing the front rider more than usual and causing some consternation behind as the group slowed suddenly. The final sprint segment was far less wind affected and Tom N fancied his chances of leading us in. I cruelly eased past him, pausing to laugh evilly in his right ear before hoofing forward. Ok, childish, but I will not have the chance again until the autumn.

The return leg started well enough, with a small group of us going out at speed. Barney and Stuart H soon overtook us, both hacking past at a good lick. I upped my pedalling and dropped down a gear to catch them, just about bridging the gap before they went faster still and pulled away. I found myself riding alone, waiting for a following group to tag on to. I felt slower than usual, even with the wind behind me, but Strava tells me I achieved a good number of personal records along the marshes and Cooden Drive, showing how perceptions can be inaccurate. If I was fast, most everyone else was faster still, finishing the ride and the last chain gang in strong form. Post chain drinks at the Forum gave us a chance to chat about the chain gang rides this season and to discuss the pending time trial season. Perhaps it is time for some TT bars. Hmmm…

As is customary, I rode back with Peter B, handing him over to his nurse at the border with the Peoples’ Republic of Normans Bay. She was quite concerned, as Peter is not normally allowed a drink as it interferes with his medication. I explained that a half-pint of bitter shandy would not have much effect, although his speech might be slurred for a few hours. She looked less than happy on hearing this and I realised that Peter was in for a stern punishment from matron. Sorry Peter!

For the hell of it, I rode on to Pevensey roundabout and retraced the chain gang route to Bexhill, doing a double chain gang as a fitting way of celebrating the fun and freedom of riding a bike into the twilight. The second return leg was moonlit, something I have written about often in this blog (I know), and so for old time’s sake I turned off my lights on Herbrand and watched the moonlight glitter on the waves.

‘Peter Buss, Chief Missing Link, before medication’

And so ends the 2014-15 chain gang season, a mid-week pleasure I will sorely miss. I think we were lucky with the weather, for the most part, with only a couple of sessions swapped for ‘Cooden Crits’ and only a few ridden in truly horrible wind and rain. Numbers for the rides were consistently good, with many rides bringing out 20 to 30 riders (last night saw 32). Highlights for me have been the real improvement in the standard of group riding, especially as newer riders have got to grips with ‘through and off’. Also, the laps of Cooden when we feared ice were great fun.

But I remember best those rides in the more extreme weather. When you are riding in bad conditions, you wonder what on earth you are doing, but when you’re home – safe, dry and warm – it gives a great sense of achievement. They are a Wednesday adventure with drama, fresh air and banter that sustain me through the rest of the working week. Time Trials will replace them, as well as some unofficial ‘Missing Link’ rides when I cannot make the TTs in the bad lands of Hastings…




Regards, Neil

Part Deux - a la weekend "All in a good cause"

De Paulos - 11:45 - half-way trough the ride.....

"I'm really quite surprised that you haven't taken ' a leaf out of my book'; you should be choosing items with a low glycemic index." I said to Matt and Patrick, as I licked the last of the fat-free yoghurt from the back of the spoon and laid it carefully on the top of the banana skin, whilst observing them tuck into their 'belly-busters.'

"Well, I only had cake!",  protested Neil, as he then proceeded to lick the tip of his index finger and use it as a tool to collect the last of the crumbs from the table.

"Yes, but John's (De Paulo) mum makes it and it's full of butter!", I said

I looked across at Matt and thought he somehow looked a bit different from a few minutes ago - and then it 'dawned' on me: "Are you wearing lip gloss?". (I only bat for the 'home team', so it's purely a observation, but he did look more 'snoggable'.)

"That's not lip gloss!", said Patrick with a triumphant look, as he wiped bean juice off his chin with the back of his hand. "While you were in the 'loo' he asked John to put goose fat on the complimentary toast instead of butter!"

Just then my phoned 'buzzed' - it was Mal C letting us know that he wouldn't be joining us - as he was tired and wanted to go home.  It had been a while since we had seen him.  I was relieved that he hadn't got lost this time, but had suffered a puncture.  Mal is in the same exclusive Geolexic (this is a term that I 'coined' to describe my condition) club as me and Steve C.  Steve will insist that he has the same natural instincts as a homing pigeon, but try separating him from his GPS and you will get an instant response: "WAH!,WAH!" - similar to the way a baby reacts when you remove it's dummy.

Earlier....Cooden Beach Station 08:00.

It never ceases to amaze me the selflessness of cyclists who will suffer the pain and deprivation of getting on their bikes to cycle vast distances, in the name of a good cause, when they would much rather be at home mowing the lawn, washing the car and trying to fix something that they've been 'nagged to death' about all week.

"What is it this time?, said Neil I don't normally take part in this kind of minor event, now that I'm an 'Ultra."

"It's to raise money for the Lesser Spotted Newt, they've been seen spawning in this area recently and there's a need to build a sanctuary for them", I explained.

"Oh, well, fair enough, but I won't be 'hanging around' you know.  I'll be setting a 'cracking' pace."

So off we set - Neil, Patrick, Matt and myself - meeting up with Mal C at the top of Galley Hill.

"He's right! - he doesn't hang around", said Patrick.

We were all struggling to keep on Neil's wheel; as he seemed to be on a mission to get as many miles 'under his belt' as possible before he was 'needed' at home.  We stayed as a group through the first two checkpoints, but then Neil suffered a puncture at Herstmonceux Castle and bade us:"Carry on without me chaps, I'll catch you up".  Sad, but secretly relieved we pushed on at a more sensible pace.

We collected our medals, after finishing the first 'lap' without incident, and started 'lap' two.

By the time we reached Spooky Hill, Matt was complaining about having tired legs and feeling 'bloated' from the sausages (he also mentioned - in passing - that he had a 'numb knob', but we chose to ignore this.).  We gave him some assistance until he felt better, and we made our way back to Hastings for the second time.

"Would you like to collect your medals then?", said the nice lady by the medals table.

"No, it's o.k, we got them last time, we're doing it twice", I said.

"Most people only do it once, but we did it twice", said Matt

"Oh, that' s really good of you", she said.

"I don't suppose you get too many people doing it twice - must be quite unusual", said Patrick

"Look, don't keep on about it, I get the picture! - what do you want a medal?"

"No, it's o.k, we got them last time", I said

Bearing in mind the monumental effort of Nigel this week (not forgetting JV & JSs mammoth rides), our century was 'small fry' but we didn't want to let it go unmentioned -it was only the second century for me, Patrick and Matt.

Having 'dipped my toe' into the Serra de Tramuntana mountain range whilst cycling in Majorca I have some appreciation of what it must have been like for Nigel.  Even more impressive is the fact that he did it all whilst wearing  Aldi gear - that cheaply made gusset must have been 'chaffing like a b@stard!'

Peter Buss

"Pete, Patrick and Matt posing by the toilets at Glynde Gap after a mega day's cycling"

24/4 HSLCC Fri Night Ride

Greg Happy To Join The Friday Night Ride!

Good conditions for the Friday night ride brought out an  average turnout of seven riders. Riding the Friday night ride for the first time was pre BBR regular Greg kemble. Greg had been practising the route on his own for a while so knew what to expect.

With plenty of daylight  the descent of Battery Hill was faster than normal. Despite being only four seconds outside my all time best I was significantly dropped by the others but we were all together by the entry into the nature reserve and stayed together to the bottom of the Broad Oak drag. As usual everyone became spread out as the faster riders accelerated away. Living at Westfield Greg had already been up Stonestile and so my legs were fresher than his. This enabled me to get past him and keep a gap of about thirty seconds right until the top.

We had a particularly  fast climb up the 'cut through to Doleham lane' with all of us gaining some of the fastest times of 2015.

Unfortunately we would be denied the chance to observe Greg achieving his traditional Stonestile victory photograph, as he turned for home at Westfield, leaving the rest of us to sweep left onto the 'Stonestile Approach'

I felt better than normal on the stiff climb, probably due to the combined effects of  last Saturdays 92 mile epic Pre BBR special and the iron rich steak I had enjoyed on Thursday. For once I managed to get and stay ahead of Dan on the climb which gave me a 'pat on the back' from Nathan at the top.

It was nice to have a good safe Friday night ride with no incidents or punctures, hopefully Greg will now become a regular?

Wed Chain Gang - Part Deux "Is it left over right, or right over left....?"

Last Week...

"Stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit."

Peter B (the other Peter B) pushed his way through the cyclists gathered around the figure of Neil slumped on the ground.

"What happened ?",he asked.

"Well, I was waiting with the other Ultras, when Neil arrived, and he seemed to be overwhelmed by the sight of  all the Ultras sitting astride their super-bikes", said Alex

"Well, why is lying on the ground with that nasty bruise on his forehead and with that rock clasped in his hand."

"It was really odd, his eyes started to glaze over, he picked up that rock and then whacked himself over the back of the head! - why would he do that? - I don't understand?."

"Don't know for sure, son, the human brain is a real mystery, but I do have a theory", replied Peter whilst stroking his chin.

"Oh, what's that then; are you a psychiatrist?", said Alex

"Well, I'm a psychologist."

"What's the difference."

"We make eye contact with out clients and don't mumble so much."

"Oh, o.k."

"Anyway, let me explain; I've read about the Shaolin Monks in China....look,will you stop doing that!, it's not helping" - Peter B was turning his attention to Simon who was poking Neil with the toe of his cycling shoe

"I'll soon get the b*gger up!", said Simon

"Just leave him alone!. Now as I was saying; with these monks it's about proving their true devotion to the teachings of Buddha by hitting themselves over the head with bricks. I think that's what Neil must be doing - it's a kind of over-zealous religious thing. He's just showing his devotion to The Ultras"

Just then Neil started to stir.

"See I told you I'd get some reaction from him.", said Simon.

"Oh, dear me! - I don't quite know what happened.  I remember arriving here, but then everything's blank.  Although I did have this really strange dream about a car crash involving a young girl in a sports car on Sluice Lane - it was almost like I'd been in some kind of a time loop. It was so 'real'; it's like it really happened."

This week....

"Buy cheap, buy twice" - that's what my old mum used to say - bless her. In the case of cycling equipment this is often the case.  When I bought my matching plastic drinks holders from Ebay, last year, I really knew I should have bought the carbon ones to match my carbon frame, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to pay the extra and so settled for plastic.  'Chickens came home to roost' last night when I decided to take a quick sip from my bottle, before the 'off', and the cage snapped.  John S did his best to assist by cramming the bottle into my jersey pocket, but then Nigel (the hirsute one, not the Aldi one) kindly offered to keep it in his spare cage.  I'm not saying the weight saving made any difference, but it just sort of felt good - like having a domestique.

It was a really speedy outward leg and I broke loads of Prs; more to do with the wind than a sudden surge in form, but felt good nonetheless.  On the way back, after a delusional few minutes riding with The Ultras, I found myself in a grouping of Iain, Calvin and John S.  We worked really well together and then spotted a luminous figure up-ahead; who else could it be other than Neil (incidentally Neil's shirt is the only other man-made object, along with the great wall of china, that is visible from space.) He seemed to be in a Zen like state, very much at ease with himself, but his injection of pace was appreciated by the rest of the group.

Earlier....


"I take two sheets, fold in half and move back to front whilst applying just the right amount of pressure.", I said

"Yes, that's correct, well done", said Vicki

Vicki is just about to leave for a weeks holiday in Majorca and is looking for assurance that I am capable of wiping my own backside while she is away.

"Now, what do we do if old Mr Skiddy turns up, uninvited?"

"We bash him over the head with the toilet brush!"

"Excellent, I'm very impressed"

"I've laid out your underwear in pairs and marked them with the days of the week; now you won't just start using them out of order, like you did last time?, you got in a right old 'pickle' and just carried on wearing the same ones for two weeks; I had to throw them out when I got home!."

"No, don't worry, I shan't make that mistake again!", I reassured her.

"One, more thing: which of those tin boxes do I use to wash my kit in, is it the one with the drop down front?", I asked.

"Don't be an idiot! - that's the dish washer - it's the other one."

"Oh, O.k, right you are."

"Now, you won't forget that it's Poppy's 'Fine Dining" night tomorrow, will you?. I've put the lobster tails in the bottom of the fridge.  And please don't put lemon juice on them - I know you find it funny when she squints her eyes and puts her tongue out, but it's very unkind", said Vicki

"Ahh, Poppy rike robster!" - followed by lots of giggling.

"Do please try to act like an adult, at least!."

"Sorry."

"The rest of the week she can just have her normal dog food.  There's a tray of filet mignon in the freezer - just take one out to defrost the night before."

"No problemo."

"Oh, and another thing;  you won't be wearing any lace up shoes while I'm away will you - you know what happened last time? You tied the laces together and fell over - bashing your head on the wardrobe door and smashing the mirror!."

"No, it's O.K, now it's got warmer I'll be wearing my flip-flops mostly, and my cycling shoes have Velcro fastening.so don't you go worrying your pretty little head over that one!"

"Now, please be careful when you cross the border, the English are still very angry with us since we broke away to form The PRNB.  I think it mostly stems from jealousy - it was such an amazing discovery of young Jake Ewesson when he found all those rich mineral deposits by the Sluice while out fishing." said Vicki

"Yes, and also I don't think they can get their 'heads around' our liberal laws. I, for one, am very much looking forward to Jude Merryweather's wedding when you get back - I mean who would begrudge him the chance of finding happiness after his first wife died? .  And his other sister is so much like her - I think they make a perfect couple!."

"Yes, quite right!.  Anyway I will miss you sweetie, and don't forget to pick me up from Polegate next week - l'll text you the flight arrival time."

"Bye, darling - have fun"

"Bye - see you soon"

Vicki sets off down the path, suddenly stops, turns around and says:

"Oh, I forgot: the committee have asked me to nominate an English man to be this years 'Wicker Man' - any ideas?"

"Well, I was thinking about recommending Neil Smith."

"But I thought he was a good friend of yours?"

"He is, I really like him, but he has been very disrespectful to the republic; he has been mocking us in his blogs recently."

"Do you think he will squeal? - I love it when they squeal as the flames take hold."

"Mmmm I'm not sure - he seems more 'stiff upper lip'; oh, hang on, what about Stewart Buckland? - he'll definitely squeal! - the posh ones always do."

"Great, that's settled then, I'll sort it out when I get back."

Vicki and I together:

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, we smell the blood of an English man, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha."


Peter Buss