Wednesday 23 January 2019

I am a Hastings Man- A song by Lord Buss

PART DEUX

'I AM A HASTINGS MAN '

(Has to be sung to the tune of 'Part of The Union' - by The Strawbs - those under the age of 50,
please check YouTube.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5i1stWCb6o


Until The Colonel did appear
My life was half as clear
He said:  'Son, ride with the pack
and you'll never look back
Become a Hastings man' .

So I trained and trained real hard
Burnt off all the lard
Paid my dues, bought some cycling shoes
And became a Hastings man.

Well the HSLCC
has made a man of me
Now I say what I think
that The Rovers stink
Because I'm a Hastings man.

The Colonel leads from the front
pointing out holes and bumps
With Smiffy watching our rears
we've got nothing to fear
But he is known to pull the odd stunt.

Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

On an improvers ride don't moan
Steve will normally get you home
He keeps an A to Z strapped to his chest
but it's best to take a phone.

Before getting out of bed
you'd be wise to call ahead
If the weather turns lousy he goes all ' blousy'
and stays snuggled up with his Ted.

Sundays are for the supertough
give it a go if think you're hard enough
But don't bother if you're wussy, JV is no pussy
and he'll know if you're just trying to bluff.

If you're looking for thrills and spills,
but without doing a ride that kills
We're not a bunch of fairies who congregate at Kerry's
we'd just rather do a few less hills.

Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

It's quite a motley crew who wear
the red and blue
We've a Lord of the Manor who's handy with a spanner
And a man who's only five foot two.

When running low on fuel
This member is no fool
With a whistle and a shout
he'll whip his 'porkies' out
But you'll be lucky to get any at all.

If you ride with Rita and Nat
don't interrupt their chat
They're just the closest of chums
having lots of fun
Best to just leave it at that.

Although they've got matching gear
and they enjoy a glass of ginger beer
They're simply the best of chums
who know each others mums
I hope I've made myself clear.

Chorus.
Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

And then there's dear old Tom
AKA - the 'Bianchi Bomb'.
He wears odd socks and his head's full of rocks
But he's as honest as the day is long.

We've got a gent with a giant tash
It's only there trying to hide a rash
It is a real beaut, and it makes him look cute
even covered in old gravy and mash.

When clean it's got a bluey grey tinge
With a nice little touch of ginge
When he takes his teeth out and
does that little pout
It looks a lot like a.... scary fringe.

We've got a group known as the elite
Some of whom I've yet to meet.
We've got hipsters with beards, some that
act weird
And a lovely man who's got no teeth.

Chorus.
Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

There's a man they call the 'The Ledge'
who cycles close to the edge
But his kit is cheap and gaudy 'cos
he shops at Aldi
Even though he earns a sizeable wedge.

Around Majorca he really does fly,
red faced and with tears in his eyes,
He said: 'Yes, I know the gusset's tight, but the price is just right'
And I'll fly the German flag 'till I die' .

Now a special mention for Mark
who cycled the USA for a lark
Whilst going hither and thither
crossing mountain and river
The milkman delivered in the dark.

It's quite a diverse club
we're no strangers to the pub
We've a man to call when taken ill
a couple of 'Old Bill'
And a man who'll sell you a 'Sub'

Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

We all have various roles
We've a man who takes government polls
Then there's that randy 'old stick'
who sells mortar and brick
And another one who blows up moles.

We've members who work in schools
and some who work with tools
I.T ers with giant brains, men who drive trains
and some of us who do sod all.

Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

Now to all you 'players' of Zwift
who believe Santa's rides also exist
Us Luddites would rather you don't upload to Strava.
'Cos it's starting to get on our 'wick'

Of course my views you're welcome to 'diss'
It's not like I'm taking the p@ss
But if it wasn't outside then it's not a real ride
Call me 'old school' if you wish.

I know some only play it a bit
and some need to get a 'grip'
But others, near as dammit, live on another planet
and have lost touch with the Mother Ship.

I really don't mean any offence
But I can't just sit on the fence
I speak for all us 'old farts', who'd rather play darts
and want a return to pounds, shillings and pence.

Now a quiet word to a friend
who's starting a worrying trend
Try to refrain from taking 'selfies' in pain
you look like a proper 'bell end'.

Ooooh, you won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
You won't catch me I ride with the Hastings
Untill the day I die, 'till the day I die

Finally, I've something to say
That'll really make your day
We've a lady who's a fella
Who it is I cannot tell ya
'cos I've just signed an NDA

Boom, Boom..

Peter Buss