Duncan went quite fast down Whydown Dip today, quickly passing four riders and rapidly catching Neil. Duncan did the gentlemanly thing and didn't go past Neil on the approach to the sharp left hander. Of course Strava segments mean nothing to us semi pro cyclists, but it was noted that Duncan's new time of 45 seconds and All Time 5th on this segment precisely matched that of Neil Smith's previous PR. Later in the café Neil would remark upon there sometimes being horses just around the corner, something to watch out for. So Duncan stopped pedalling, tucked behind Neil's wheel and leaned to the left. Duncan was somewhat puzzled and severely alarmed to hear this almighty and terrifying whining noise coming from the depths of his steed. It felt like something could easily jam up and throw him off, not pleasant at this jaunty caper. Duncan stopped. Riders went passed. "Everything ok" "Yeah" Well no actually, I am standing here with a problem that I don't even know what it is. Duncan looked down expecting to see a shredded tyre at least. Nothing. Rien. Nada. Wtf is going on he thought. Got off and spun both wheels. Nothing. Rien. Nada. All went passed. "Everything ok" "Yeah" Well no actually, I am standing here with a problem that I don't even know what it is. Abandoned, lonely, deserted, downhearted he thought. Bollocks he thought. Oh well, time to man up and get on with it, put hanky away. Ride slowly up hill looking down. Nothing. Rien. Nada. OK so he wanted a gentle ride as doing Tour of the Weald on Sunday, hey presto now you have it. Rode slower than normal up the hill. At some point further on the noise mysterious cam back. Stopped, looked. Nothing. Rien. Nada. Wtf! Pressed on with feelings of bitterness at abandonment and desertion slowly turning to the realization that he could ride as slow as he wanted and enjoy the splendid Spring vitality of a rather lovely day. The daffodils at the top of Cricketer's Lane were so splendid he actually pulled off and rode slowly around the little triangle. Spirits soared, he really started to feel at one with this Green and Pleasant Land, cycling Nirvana achieved.
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| Thanks for waiting boys, what time can I get a pint? |
At some point when not pedalling he looked down and thought the chain had come off. Wtf? How can it come off, I'm not pedalling. Hmm, cogs clicking and whirring. Mental ones that is. Stopped. Dismounted. Looked. But it hasn't come off. Uh? My lower chain strand is practically dragging on the road. Eureka! Looked at his rear derailleur which did not appear to be tensioning the chain at all. Reached down and pulled it. Found it to be about as limp as a lettuce leaf that's been left on the parcel shelf of a car all day in Summer. So if he stops pedalling, the chain goes very very loose and is maybe rubbing on the side of those Leviathan width 25mm tyres. Hey, he thought, that must be it. Case for the prosecution closed. So, er, um, if he just keeps on, um, pedalling like, you know, all the time, even on the downs it should maintain tension. Shouldn't it?
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| ...and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West, Ernie.. |
Well as it happens that appeared to work a treat, change up more than normal, just pretend you are Ivan Man Machine Johnson and keep on pedalling.
Duncan rode to Herstmonceux and turned up the Cowbeech Road. He enjoyed a most pleasant solo ride, with the sure and certain hope of bumping into the others at some point. He noted with more time than normal the splendid houses and gardens along the road. Of particular interest to him was a house with a pretty board on it, "Tranquility" was its name. Ah he thought, that is indeed perhaps a sign in more ways than one.
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| Must go in the Merrie Harriers at some point |
Duncan stopped at the Merrie Harriers pub and sat down, contemplating how lovely the Bacon Butty Ride is. He sat on a rather quaint old seat, lovingly marked with "In memory of Ernie". Now Duncan is quite old, older than his lithe frame suggests. He chuckled. "And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west, Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west" More chuckles and mental pictures of Bennie Hill chasing scantily clad young girls around random fields in time honoured fashion. Wouldn't be allowed these days, no way, no how. Back then I think it was just innocent fun. Make up your own non pc comment here about no known association with Jimmy Saville, evil man, ruiner of lives. "Beware the wolf in sheep's clothing" And for our younger readers, go YouTube it if you don't have a clue what Duncan is on about.
And so he waited. And waited a bit more. They must be coming soon, he will hear the soft whirring of GP4000's on smooth tarmac as they approach this little bend. He started getting slightly cold, something Duncan seriously does not like being. Saddle up. Head North. Sure enough I saw Neil approaching. About 2 yards from me he says rather surprised, Duncan?! Yes sir, Duncan here, reporting for duty, raring to go after his gentle relaxation and musings on life.
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| Happiness is a bike and a pub. |
Duncan did a U turn. Neil was up front going a fair lick. Darren was next. That's my target he thought. Got on the back of Darren. Darren seemed a bit more tired than normal. Went in front of Darren to lend a hand. Duncan asked you alright mate? Bit tired came the reply, I've been up Beachy Head on the pre BBR. Sure, that does take it out of you a bit Duncan says. Duncan slowed a bit and towed Darren along, finally coming across Neil and some others at the little left turn triangle.
At this point, dear reader, the narration will pass back to Neil. An incident happened where an old git accompanied by an old crone in a Volvo Estate attempted to drive into Duncan's rather shapely left leg as he was sitting astride his bike chatting to myself [Neil]. Duncan cannot speak of this incident anymore, he is too traumatized and has booked himself on a 6 week course of counselling in the hope of erasing it from his memory.
[Over to you Neil]
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| Post ride relaxation with the best little water bottle in the World |
Best
Duncan
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