23/4- Oasts and Coasts 300Km Audax

The route of the 'Oasts And Coasts' 300K audax

It’s funny how you get into things. If you had asked me do you want to cycle over 300 km get up at 3am & not get back until after midnight – like any sane human being, I would of course said no. But I guess I hang out with the wrong crowd. Anyway there I was at a dingy scout house in Meopham at 5.45am surrounded by men clearly on the spectrum (or perhaps suffering from their recent sense of humour transplant). Patrick & I were first to arrive, followed by Grand Master Duncan Feathers. Eventually JV arrived, Steve Butcher (who paid and didn’t butcher the ride) and eventually Gareth who was busy fannying around, before he started to faff.

Taking a breather at Uckfield

Anyway the field of social misfits set off with us having to wait for Gareth. Eventually he finished and we set off, our first mishap was a broken chain just after the first checkpoint, when the Grand Masters chain broke. Steve Butcher (who appeared to have come prepared for a weeks holidays carrying a back pack, curiously the least aero you could find in order to comply with Audax regs) plucked various tools from said backpack to ably assist. Steve hasn’t been riding much so advised us young things to go off without him. This we did and the lanes of Kent whooshed by before we found ourselves in familiar Sussex. We were fairly relaxed although made up considerable gains on the rest of the field before we found ourselves in a nice little Italian café in Uckfield. This was sensible paced running with no chasing of Strava segments (ala recent BBR style). This continued throughout, with the group being the most important factor and each member looking after each other (except Steve).


Anyway he did eventually arrive and we gave him time to finish off his breakfast and set off together with the rest of us. On the road out we were overtaken by a white van. The driver got out and stood in the road to confront us (he was not aggressive) explaining that we should be riding in synchronised conveys like he did when he was in the army driving trucks. Obviously riding single file is not enough, and we need to have standard gaps between us to allow him to overtake. The irony was that he was claiming we were making him late to work as he confronted us for over 10 minutes at the road side.

Long distance audaxing brings about conviviality

We got to even more familiar territory and arrived in Battle High St where we needed a till receipt to confirm we had been there. Patrick then proceeded to do the weeks shop before we caught him and made him put the groceries back and just buy a Twix.

We then made our way as a group through Sedlescombe and out to Rye. I had a puncture which was changed in Formula 1 style when Steve’s backpack again came to the fore, super gluing the tiny bit of damage in the tyre.

Up until then the sun was out and the wind was cold but not unpleasant. That was about to change as we went along the Military Canal road and out across the marsh. We had a brutally cold head/cross wind and the teamwork really kicked in with through and off right the way to Hythe, where we pulled in to the checkpoint café which had run out of healthy food. As before we overtook many of the other riders, some of which looked really familiar.

At this point JV shared that his hand was really painful, everybody was really sympathetic when he decided he had had enough and was going to return across the marsh with a tail wind to assist. I say every body – Gareth then declared Audaxing as a sport, we had beaten JV 1-0 and there were no rematches and we were going to retire on completion. Well who am I to argue?

Then we were 4, Steve had resorted to form and had become a solitary rider, sleeping in bus stops and living off the land.

We then pushed on to Deal when we had to get another till receipt (overtaking the same people we had overtaken before) – eventually we found a corner shop and the Grand Master Duncan went straight to the bin outside the shop to find a till receipt. This was to no avail, as the experienced Audaxers had been then first. He then had to make do with a two for the price of one chocolate milkshake, which I very kindly helped him out with.  The wind persisted and ripped into us, although by the time we got to Minnis Bay we detected that it might have been now behind our right shoulder. Passing the famous caravan of my Aunty Pat (see previous blog) the next stop was Herne Bay on the way we amused ourselves with talk of sore undercarriages, shoulders and what not. Gareth pointed at the offshore wind farm and suggested that if they turned those b***** fans off it might be less windy. We just agreed and thought he wouldn't understand even if we tried.

Why not drink alcohol at the half way point?

Once arrived, the Hastings boys did what they do best & ate curry, rice & chips and drank beer (although Patrick was pretending he was posh and had wine). The Aduaxers were not impressed as this did not compute, one came up and mumbled through his compulsory beard that this what he thought you did when you finished – how we laughed.

Hastings CC riders recommend chips and curry for audaxing

It was now starting to get dark so we needed to make adjustments to the electronics. Gareth was in his element and this was more faff and fannying to be down. He then needed to stop again to adjust the backlight on his Garmin. The Grand Master was very confused at how he could adjust his backlight from his handlebars – we told him that he was too old to understand. At this point we could sense the end and pushed on overtaking all of the people we had overtaken before (it appears that real Audaxers don’t waste time stopping and eating). The hills returned and we had to navigate narrow lanes with potholes in the dark. We looped around the M20 and at one point nearly ended up on it. With great relief we arrived back at the dingy scout hut where we were warmly welcomed by the organisers at 10.30 pm. Hats off to these guys – what dedication. Gareth had to wait for Steve so decided to take his mileage up to 200 by going up and down the flat village road (much to the amusement of the pub goers ending their might out).

Real team work out there – just like it should be. It was a real pleasure riding with you guys.

Peter Baker