Wed Chain Gang - Part Deux

Prologue

 KABOOM! ..."What the .... is that?", said Neil.

 We were on our way to meet Stewart at Cooden Station. We hurriedly turned the corner at the end of Capt. Mainwaring Way to see Stewart sitting in his new Bentley 'Artisan'.....KABOOM!.  We rushed over to find him with his feet on the ebony dashboard igniting his farts with rolled up £50 notes!. Such an obscene display of wealth and ostentation.

"Oh, I've been having such fun while I've been waiting for you."
"You want to be careful, mate", said Neil.
Stewart looked down at the panda skin seat to see it had become singed: "Oh, well I can always have them re-covered; I mean it's not as if there aren't plenty more of the little blighters is it?.  Is Matty not joining us?".
"No, I said. Apparently his flight's been delayed and his stuck at Miami Airport - he texted me from the Pilots Club".
"Oh, that's a shame, I have to ask though, do you think he really is a pilot?": said Stewart.
"To be honest I'm prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I did ask him if he could grab me a few of those little bags of complimentary nuts if there's any left on the trolley after the flight home.", I replied.

Rare Chain-Gang Appearance From Steve B

I must admit to feeling a little trepidation when I entered De Paulos on the BBR last week.  I saw the other Peter B sitting there and wasn't sure how he would react to my mentioning the 'special' relationship he has with his mother in last week's blog.  I needn't have worried as he pulled along side early on in the Chain Gang, and in his best 'pythonesque', Eric Idle voice, imitating his 'mother' said: "Keep away from him".  I do appreciate a psychologist with a good SOH!. He encouraged me to go faster, but I said: "I'm a freud, I'm not as jung as I once was".  He put his 'foot on the gas' and showed me a 'clean pair of heels.

Earlier...

"Yes,yes, yes, I'm sure it's a perfectly good bicycle, but does it match my new top?", said Neil.
We were at my house and Neil was trying out my Moda.
"Well, it's black and white, which is quite neutral", I replied.
"Look,I don't think you quite realise how important tonight is to me. I'm riding with the Supers, officially, for the first and I really don't want to let them down.  I mean, they always look so perfectly co-ordinated."
Eventually, after much reassurance we set off for Cooden to meet up with Stewart.

'It's important to plan for ones retirement'

Me: "My word you're looking lovely this evening; you look positively radiant.  You don't look your age at all -           not a bit of it"

Vicki: "Sorry did you say something?"

Me: "Oh, no, nothing, don't worry"

We're in our usual Wednesday evening positions - Vicki in dining room, sipping something chilled, me preening in front of the hall mirror.  I move my face closer to the mirror and continue my self dialogue from within the safety of a thought bubble.

Me: "Yes, you really are looking amazing! - the years have hardly touched you at all.  Although I must say, It's very good of God to give us an extra chin when we get to a certain age - I suppose it's in case we damage the other one - although I think to give us three more is bit much."  I tug at the skin around my neck.  " I really need to be a bit careful when I do up my top up that I don't catch that in the zip (the last time I caught my skin in a zip was when I was a little boy and it wasn't the skin around my neck I can tell you! (my eyes start to 'water' at the painful memory.)) I refuse to worry about getting old and do my best to ignore the signs; you know?; like more hair on my ears and up my nose than on my head.  Staring deeply into my own eyes I see a much younger person staring back.  Am I really that same person? - the 12 year old boy, sitting cross-legged and mesmerized, in front of a black and white television as Neil Armstrong leaves the lunar module to take his first step on the moon ( I still shiver when I recall those famous words: not the '...small step for man' ones, spoken by Neil, rather the barely audible words from 'buzz' - whilst waiting his turn to leave the module: "Oooo shut that door!"), or the young man with skin tight as a snare drum, blonde streaks, designer stubble and white shoes with no socks? (this was my George Michael phase, by the way - by God I looked impressive!), am I really the same young man who scoffed at the idea of getting old and assumed, like every other young man, that it would never happen to them? - well **** me it's starting to happen now!.
From Neil Armstrong to Lance Armstrong, and beyond, in a 'heartbeat'.  I mean it hasn't started to get really serious yet - I still have confidence that I'll be able to tell the difference between an orgasm and a heart attack - but only just!.  I can still find my birth year when using those drop down menus, but I have to admit to spinning the mouse wheel a few times to reach it.  Looking at my saggy face and neck I truly believe I am starting to turn into a turtle!.  I sort of 'get' the opening and closing sequences of One Foot in the Grave' now - the image of that big tortoise clambering along - it all makes sense. I start to think I might like to live where I'll blend in a bit more.

Me: "Vick, you know you were saying that we should move abroad for our retirement?"
Vicki: " Yes that's right sweetie, have you got somewhere in mind then?"
Me: "Well, have you ever considered the Galapagos Islands?"

Peter Buss