Part Deux - Pre BBR & BBR Sat 20th Feb

 "Can anyone smell toast?"

14:12 Normans Bay (Relaxing with a nice cup of tea and the cake from Pevensey Bakery)

"May the fleas of a thousand camels colonise your an*s and may all your finger nails drop off so that you have no effective way to control the chronic itching, also, may this condition be passed on to all your offspring"

I took a sip of tea and considered my handwritten handiwork. 'Mmm not bad I thought, a bit harsh maybe?' I took a moment to imagine the scenario of a permanently itchy a*se with no relief.  Nah, he deserves it, and more.  Now all I had to do for the curse to work was set fire to it - the universe would do the rest.

07:45  Normans Bay Crossing

"Neil sent me a text, he said he's going to be a bit late, I think he might be making love", I announced to the rest of the group.

'The group'  consisted of Adam, Steve C - on his first ever pre BBR, Terry, also 'popping his cherry' - so to speak, and Kim. who said:

"I did one before with a bloke who was about 38-40, it was just the two of us"

Steve C, who is very analytical, being a physics teacher. grappled with this small piece of information.

"I know who you mean!, he said triumphantly, Paul Caulter!"

"Oh, yes, of course, well done", I said  

Just as we were about to leave we were joined by Ed Gomm.  He's the guy who claims to be a doctor, although when I 'threw down the gauntlet' and asked for some proof the first time he rode with us he left it lying in the dust and has still not produced any evidence of this claim.  It was good to see him and I like him anyway so maybe I'll just give him the benefit of the doubt.

"I'll give Neil 3 minutes more", said Steve

We were just about to leave when Neil came whizzing around the corner.

We did our normal 'T*sser/W*anker' exchange of pleasantries and set off into the wind of Sluice Lane.

Neil, who is always a strong rider did a lot of the leading, with some turns taken by myself, Adam and Terry.  I think the others were just finishing off their breakfast.

At the foot of the zig-zags 'The Breakfast Club' suddenly rushed past, I glanced at Steve C who was brushing a crumb of bread from the corner of his mouth with the back of his glove.  This situation was sustainable as far as Kim was concerned, but not as far as Ed and Steve go - I gave chase.  And so a Baron, a doctor and a physicist battled it out for supremacy on this Iconic climb.  It was 'touch and go', but I'm pleased to announce it was me who got to the top first.  The wind was howling and at one stage I thought I might be blown all the way back to Normans Bay.

After Steve had taken a few pictures we headed back down.  It was quite exhilarating with such a strong tailwind, and Neil , Adam and I were in the vanguard. It was somewhere near The Fort on Eastbourne seafront when a butcher in a small van pulled out in front of me, totally blocking my way and, with barely a glance in my direction, forced me to slam my brakes on..  Being that I'm from a South London council estate I've amassed quite a collection of rude words over the years; most of which came out of my mouth in a torrent of abuse as I glared at him in through the side window of his van.  He just stared ahead and didn't acknowledge me in any way - this just made it worse and so as he passed me I gave him a load more.  A very nice cyclist from Eastbourne Rovers and been witness to this and said words to the effect of:

"What a ****!"

"Do you you think he heard my response?", I asked

"Well I think he got the gist of it!", he replied sympathetically.

I wondered if being carved up by a butcher was irony?, I concluded that it wasn't really, as that is what butchers do (albeit, normally to dead animals and not cyclists); no I think it is more morony.  In any case I decided I would obtain the catharsis I required from a curse, and would let the matter drop, but with just one final thought, in fact it was an expression that was brought to my mind and one that was a favourite of a now deceased dear american friend of mine to describe such a person: 'no arms, no legs just an ars*hole'.

The Rovers cyclist accompanied me in my quest to catch up with Adam and Neil and even offered me his wheel.  I caught up with them and the my new friend bad me farewell at the nasty roundabout where Princes Road joins Seaside.  We sped on until the lights at Pevensey and then waited for the others.  Last to arrive was Terry, who was very apologetic:

"I'm sorry to keep everyone waiting; I think I need to work on my stamina!"

Terry had given a very good account of himself on the way out so an apology wasn't required.  The rest of the ride back to Di Paulos was very exhilarating as the tail wind was really strong.

Towards the end of Cooden Drive I made a break for it - I looked at Neil's tractor tyres and fancied my chances - he was up for it and we had a man-off - Kim had decided she wanted part of the fun also, and 'put the hammer down', unfortunately as she attempted to go past she was confronted by an oncoming bus and had no choice but to back down.

Ryan (from Dorking) is used to riding the 'Surrey Hills' , no wonder he was so fast!

Safely back at Di Paulos I was, as is usual lately, staggered by the high turnout.  There were again new faces; Joe, who is a friend of Duncan was there, and also, Ryan who is from a Dorking cycling cub and wanted to make a guest appearance.

I am quite paranoid about not being left behind these days so I was ready with the leading group.  We slowly became elongated and re-grouped at the normal points.  As anticipated Ryan turned out to be a strong rider and was one of the front runners throughout the ride.  I have noticed that Tom N is going well these days (particularly when bits aren't falling off his bike):

"I've been up the Beachy zig-zags eight times this week, he told me in Di Paulos, it's the 'in thing', and what with the TTs coming up I need to get my act together"

Shortly after, on one of the hills after the right turn into Tilley Lane, I found myself riding alongside Ed, and feeling a bit weary I siezed the moment:

"Got any drugs, Ed?" (joke)

"Only for my own personal use", he replied, sardonically (joke)

"Oh, that's a shame" (joke)

"Why what do you want; uppers, or downers?", he enquired (joke)

"Any that make this hill feel like fun", I replied (joke)

(the above was a jokey conversation and not a real request for illicit drugs, after all if Ed really is a doctor, as he claims, then his reputation could be in ruins.)

Olly joins another high turnout of riders for the BBR

For most of the ride Steve C was behind me or at best alongside me, but he is a bit like the pink rabbit in the duracell adverts of a few years ago, banging his drum at a steady beat but never seeming to totally run out of steam, thus, it should of been of no surprise to me that all of a sudden he sprinted past me to join the leading group and he stayed with them to the end (maybe toast is the secret ingredient.)

My favourite part of the ride, the same as last week was Wartling Hill, but this week instead of being in the lead I hung on to Neil's wheel for grim death:

"I can't give you anything", I said

"Don't worry, just hang on"

I must say (and I hope the Colonel is reading this) that Neil showed great leadership and concern for other members of the group, and at one point hung back to re-direct others who were in danger of missing the notorious left turn (don't know where that is exactly because of my 'geolexsia'.)

Back at The bakery we amassed outside; there was about twelve of us and we had grave doubts that we could all be accommodated.

One of the nice young ladies came outside and assured us that that could fit us all in if we waited for about ten minutes - which we happily agreed to.  Shortly afterwards another of the nice young ladies popped her head around the door and said to me:

"Shall I put a lemon doughnut and a cream slice aside for you?"

"Oh, yes, please", I said

I couldn't help but think this personal service set me aside from the rest of the group - a bit like being 'nodded through' to the front when queuing outside a night club because you know one of the bouncers. (it's the small things in life that make it all worthwhile.)

I sat on a table with Duncan, Joe and Derek that had a 'Reserved for 12:30" , so I knew this  arrangement wasn't going to last. Sure enough , just after we had given our orders the first nice young lady asked us if we would mind moving.

"I'll move if you give me another cup of tea for free", said Joe

She smiled at him, and helped us move to another table.  Not one to give up, Joe said:

"Do I get a free cup of tea then?"

"Oh, O.K then, no problem", she replied

"I think they call it 'blagging', Joe", I said

This only seemed to encouraged him because when she returned, shortly after she had given him his tea, with a breakfast that nobody claimed , Joe said:

"I'll have it if it's goings spare!"

At which point Duncan interjected, quite sternly.

"Look if you have it you're going to have to pay for it!"

Anyway it turned out that it was Duncan's after all.

Duncan and I got on the subject of retirement and I explained that I was sort of retiring but wasn't claiming my pension until next year.

"So are you 64 then?", he asked

"No, I'm 59!" (bloody cheek, I thought, he either needs to stop making comments like that or grow his finger nails.)

Breakfast over, Steve C, Mark and I had a slow ride back to Normans Bay along the Coast Road and I seized the chance to make known my concerns to Steve about there being two 'Lords' in the club - as everyone knows the other one is that washer changing whippersnapper 'Buckland'.

"This can't be right!", I said to Steve

"I know, he said, how about Baron Buss of The peoples Republic of Normans Bay?"

Perfect!

Peter (Baron) Buss