Last Week...
"Stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit."
Peter B (the other Peter B) pushed his way through the cyclists gathered around the figure of Neil slumped on the ground.
"What happened ?",he asked.
"Well, I was waiting with the other Ultras, when Neil arrived, and he seemed to be overwhelmed by the sight of all the Ultras sitting astride their super-bikes", said Alex
"Well, why is lying on the ground with that nasty bruise on his forehead and with that rock clasped in his hand."
"It was really odd, his eyes started to glaze over, he picked up that rock and then whacked himself over the back of the head! - why would he do that? - I don't understand?."
"Don't know for sure, son, the human brain is a real mystery, but I do have a theory", replied Peter whilst stroking his chin.
"Oh, what's that then; are you a psychiatrist?", said Alex
"Well, I'm a psychologist."
"What's the difference."
"We make eye contact with out clients and don't mumble so much."
"Oh, o.k."
"Anyway, let me explain; I've read about the Shaolin Monks in China....look,will you stop doing that!, it's not helping" - Peter B was turning his attention to Simon who was poking Neil with the toe of his cycling shoe
"I'll soon get the b*gger up!", said Simon
"Just leave him alone!. Now as I was saying; with these monks it's about proving their true devotion to the teachings of Buddha by hitting themselves over the head with bricks. I think that's what Neil must be doing - it's a kind of over-zealous religious thing. He's just showing his devotion to The Ultras"
Just then Neil started to stir.
"See I told you I'd get some reaction from him.", said Simon.
This week....
"Buy cheap, buy twice" - that's what my old mum used to say - bless her. In the case of cycling equipment this is often the case. When I bought my matching plastic drinks holders from Ebay, last year, I really knew I should have bought the carbon ones to match my carbon frame, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to pay the extra and so settled for plastic. 'Chickens came home to roost' last night when I decided to take a quick sip from my bottle, before the 'off', and the cage snapped. John S did his best to assist by cramming the bottle into my jersey pocket, but then Nigel (the hirsute one, not the Aldi one) kindly offered to keep it in his spare cage. I'm not saying the weight saving made any difference, but it just sort of felt good - like having a domestique.
It was a really speedy outward leg and I broke loads of Prs; more to do with the wind than a sudden surge in form, but felt good nonetheless. On the way back, after a delusional few minutes riding with The Ultras, I found myself in a grouping of Iain, Calvin and John S. We worked really well together and then spotted a luminous figure up-ahead; who else could it be other than Neil (incidentally Neil's shirt is the only other man-made object, along with the great wall of china, that is visible from space.) He seemed to be in a Zen like state, very much at ease with himself, but his injection of pace was appreciated by the rest of the group.
Earlier....
"I take two sheets, fold in half and move back to front whilst applying just the right amount of pressure.", I said
"Yes, that's correct, well done", said Vicki
Vicki is just about to leave for a weeks holiday in Majorca and is looking for assurance that I am capable of wiping my own backside while she is away.
"Now, what do we do if old Mr Skiddy turns up, uninvited?"
"We bash him over the head with the toilet brush!"
"Excellent, I'm very impressed"
"I've laid out your underwear in pairs and marked them with the days of the week; now you won't just start using them out of order, like you did last time?, you got in a right old 'pickle' and just carried on wearing the same ones for two weeks; I had to throw them out when I got home!."
"No, don't worry, I shan't make that mistake again!", I reassured her.
"One, more thing: which of those tin boxes do I use to wash my kit in, is it the one with the drop down front?", I asked.
"Don't be an idiot! - that's the dish washer - it's the other one."
"Oh, O.k, right you are."
"Now, you won't forget that it's Poppy's 'Fine Dining" night tomorrow, will you?. I've put the lobster tails in the bottom of the fridge. And please don't put lemon juice on them - I know you find it funny when she squints her eyes and puts her tongue out, but it's very unkind", said Vicki
"Ahh, Poppy rike robster!" - followed by lots of giggling.
"Do please try to act like an adult, at least!."
"Sorry."
"The rest of the week she can just have her normal dog food. There's a tray of filet mignon in the freezer - just take one out to defrost the night before."
"No problemo."
"Oh, and another thing; you won't be wearing any lace up shoes while I'm away will you - you know what happened last time? You tied the laces together and fell over - bashing your head on the wardrobe door and smashing the mirror!."
"No, it's O.K, now it's got warmer I'll be wearing my flip-flops mostly, and my cycling shoes have Velcro fastening.so don't you go worrying your pretty little head over that one!"
"Now, please be careful when you cross the border, the English are still very angry with us since we broke away to form The PRNB. I think it mostly stems from jealousy - it was such an amazing discovery of young Jake Ewesson when he found all those rich mineral deposits by the Sluice while out fishing." said Vicki
"Yes, and also I don't think they can get their 'heads around' our liberal laws. I, for one, am very much looking forward to Jude Merryweather's wedding when you get back - I mean who would begrudge him the chance of finding happiness after his first wife died? . And his other sister is so much like her - I think they make a perfect couple!."
"Yes, quite right!. Anyway I will miss you sweetie, and don't forget to pick me up from Polegate next week - l'll text you the flight arrival time."
"Bye, darling - have fun"
"Bye - see you soon"
Vicki sets off down the path, suddenly stops, turns around and says:
"Oh, I forgot: the committee have asked me to nominate an English man to be this years 'Wicker Man' - any ideas?"
"Well, I was thinking about recommending Neil Smith."
"But I thought he was a good friend of yours?"
"He is, I really like him, but he has been very disrespectful to the republic; he has been mocking us in his blogs recently."
"Do you think he will squeal? - I love it when they squeal as the flames take hold."
"Mmmm I'm not sure - he seems more 'stiff upper lip'; oh, hang on, what about Stewart Buckland? - he'll definitely squeal! - the posh ones always do."
"Great, that's settled then, I'll sort it out when I get back."
Vicki and I together:
"Fee-fi-fo-fum, we smell the blood of an English man, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha."
Peter Buss
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