Colonel C 'J' Parker arrived in his staff car, dressed in 'civvies', and strode confidently to the front of his assembled platoon. He did an 'about turn' , clicked his heels, bent his elbow and tucked his 'swagger stick' under his arm pit.
"As you are aware the PRNB (Peoples Republic of Normans Bay), in a desperate attempt to hang on their newly declared independent state - bloody banana republic I call it , but never mind that - have adopted more aggressive tactics."
He unfurled an O.S map and hung it out in front of him.
"I wish to highlight two spots in particular that you will need to take particular care over on tonight's ride"
He punched the map with the end of his stick: "The first trouble spot is here: Capt. Mainwaring Way; formerly known as Herbrand Walk. They have cluster-bombed the surface with thousands of pebbles making passing very hazardous. The second spot is here"; he punched the map again. "Spooky Hill. They have opened up the existing pot holes and made them more deeper and wider; again, making progress very difficult. I hate to say this, but it is possible that not all of you will return".
Sergeant Major Grogan had been amusing himself by glaring at passers by in an attempt to get them to make eye contact with him. Having got the eye contact he wanted he was then fully intimidating them with phrases like: "Who do you think your looking at - want some do you?", or "You what? - well come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!".
Having heard the Colonel's last remark he said - out of the corner of his mouth - to no one in particular:
"It's only cycling, silly old duffer thinks were going on a some kind of a bombing mission."
"Sorry Sergeant Major, did you say something?, asked the Colonel.
"Sorry, sir, I was just saying we need to maintain position", he replied.
"Quite, yes, good point; we need to maintain our positions, no erratic overtaking - especially now that it's light and we can't see car headlights. Now, the first 'wave' to leave will be the 'Ultrons".
"It's Ultras, sir";
"Who said that?", asked the Colonel.
"I did, Lieutenant Smith, and we're known as the Ultras, not the Ultrons."
"Very good, right lets get going then.", said the Colonel.
The Ultras set off at a good pace.
"Right give the Ultrons a couple of minutes and then the rest of you lot form yourselves into some kind of order and chase after them", he orders.
He watched them leave and tapped his leg with his stick: "I should be with my men - damn this infernal shrapnel wound!"
Earlier....
"I can't believe you've eaten all of that pasta!", said Vicki
I'm standing side-on to the hall mirror and glancing down at the bowling ball in my stomach.
"Well you know I have to fast tonight, so I can't eat anything after cycling?", I replied.
"Yes, but you always seem to panic where food's concerned. You seem to suffer from 'delusions of hunger'. I don't know why that is. Don't you have a psychologist in your side now, you could ask him?", says Vicki.
"What the other Peter B; you're joking, I wouldn't take any notice of what he says - he's got real issues - you know he thinks he's his mother?. And in any case he'll probably say the usual thing about being taken off the breast too early, you know what they're like?. Anyway, I don't think that applies to me, some people might think it was too soon, but as far as I'm concerned twelve was a perfectly normal age", I said.
"It's a prostrate test you're having isn't it?", asked Vicki.
"Yes, it's with that new doctor - Doctor Probe. It's only supposed to be a blood test, but if he's in a 'playful' mood he might decide to do the 'Full Monty'.", I said.
 |
| Ivan Had To Do A Solo Chain-gang |
"Oh, I wouldn't do that - give me some credit!. Oh, have you seen that rubber bone we bought Poppy for Christmas", I asked.
"I think it might be in her day bed, or in her chaise; why do you want that ?", she said with a puzzled expression.
"Well, you know?,I might want something to bite on. I don't want to grind my teeth like Tyler Hamilton did in the 2003 Tour de France after he broke his collarbone - he had to have eleven of them capped!", I explained.
"Oh, for heavens sake! - don't make such a fuss", she said
"I'm not making a fuss it's just that I read about a case in America where a doctor was accused of using two fingers for a rectal examination - and believe it or not he got off!", I said.
"Oh, your joking how did he get off then?", she inquired.
"He said he wanted a second opinion; can you believe that?", I said.
"Look, why don't you just grow up? - you can be so childish!", she said angrily.
"I just hope he keeps his finger nails short!", I said
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